Can the days slow down and let my brain catch up? It would be very nice.

The date that Fred leaves for basic training is approaching too quickly. It's less than a month away. And I won't get to see him for about 10 weeks, and then it's only for one or two days before he's whisked away in more training for who knows how long. It sucks. A lot.

It sucks watching the days pass and knowing that everything we've known as normalcy for the duration of our marriage soon won't be... well, the norm.

It sucks laying awake at night with Max snuggled up in my arms on one side and Fred snoring on the other and knowing that as much as his snoring drives me bonkers, it won't be the thing that's keeping me awake at night.

...I'd so much rather his snoring keep me awake than the uncertainty and anxiety of being apart.

There's so much that I can think of that sucks, but the part that sucks the most is knowing that after this month, I might have to go through the rest of this pregnancy without my husband. It's hard to even think about. I'm sitting here trying to hide tears each time someone walks into the room while I'm typing this. Fred was my rock while I was in delivery with Max. I kept pushing because I wanted to finally be able to really share our baby with him- if that makes sense? I wanted to see them meet, to watch him finally able to bond with our son, all that jazz. With this pregnancy, I don't even know if he'll be allowed to come home when baby girl decides to come. How am I supposed to do this without him? Gah, I'm bawling now and I need a tissue. A little ray of sunshine, though: he finally felt our little girl kicking and moving yesterday morning. I was so worried she wasn't going to give him that chance.

I'm trying so hard to keep my emotions together. I'm trying not to cry every single time the thought of his leaving crosses my mind. I'm trying to not think about how quickly it's coming and the harsh, cold reality that pretty soon, he won't be here for a while. That just keeps getting harder and harder with each day that passes.

 

<3

Ringing in a New Year

As 2012 draws to an end, I've been reflecting on what's been one of the best and most challenging years of my life.

 

Seriously. This year was amazing and by far my favorite. Some changes occurred in our lives, not too many. Good ones, mostly. I don't really remember most of the bad ones. Besides, aren't you supposed to focus on the good things anyway?

 

The biggest milestone of this year and the one that makes me choke up every single time I think about it, is the fact that I became a mother. This year, I was blessed with THE most amazing gift that could have been bestowed upon me: my precious baby boy. I've always been a sap, but really, he's made me out-do myself. I have to swallow tears constantly. I have to watch this baby- my baby- change and grow before my very eyes. Gah, I'm tearing up even now. It's amazing how as a mom, I stare at him and remember the moment I first saw him, the first cry that left his lips, the first time his eyes met mine, the first time my fingers touched his silky smooth baby skin, the feel of his tiny sleeping body on mine, listening to his heart, watching his chest rise and fall, realizing that he had become my new obsession and the hard realization that I was responsible for him, now. I was his mommy. Is it normal to see all that almost every time I look at him? I mean, he's almost a year old now, but I still see my tiny, newborn cherub every time I see him and think about how big he's gotten. Does that ever end? I hope not.

 

Another milestone this year, was finding out that we're expecting another child- this time, a baby girl. I'm so nervous, again. You'd think with just having a baby this year, I'd be taking this all in stride. Ha. Nothing could be further from the truth. I had to laugh at my last pre-natal appointment. They asked me if I was feeling her move at all and all I could think was, "I don't know. I think so, but I'm not really sure." With just carrying a baby a few short months ago, you'd think I'd remember what a baby moving around feels like. The doctor looked at Fred and I like we were crazy as we sat there chuckling, together. It's weird to think that this time next year, I'll be the mother of two babies. God, help me.

 

My fondest memories this year, besides all of the ones with Max, are the ones I've shared with my husband. It's crazy how my love for Fred grows more and more each day. Sure, he really drives me crazy sometimes, and I just want him to either shut up or leave me alone, but the fact that he doesn't and that he just keeps on loving me through everything makes me appreciate him even more, especially as we watch relationships around us constantly crumbling. This year has made me so incredibly grateful to the Lord that he knew exactly what I needed when he created Fred, flaws and all. He is truly my best friend, my soul mate, my other half, my lover, my "baby daddy", my leader, my helper, my rock, and all those other sappy things people say about the people they love. I don't think anything could shake my love for him. I mean, he broke my finger this year, and I still love him. ---He broke it by accident when we were judo-ing, -well, trying to wrestle, which probably looked ridiculous. It was fun to say he broke it and see the looks on people's faces.

Babe- if you read this, I can still kick your butt in judo. ;-)

 

There's lot of other good memories of this year, especially with my family and a few close friends, but I'm kind of pressed for time. :-(

 

This years imminent ending makes me anxious for the year to come. Lots of big changes are approaching and my nerves are feeling somewhat raw. Fred leaves for basic training in a little over a month- he'll be away for almost six. We don't know if they'll let him come home when baby girl is born or not. We're praying they do, but who knows? I'm terrified of the possibility of having to deliver a baby without my husband's presence. I'm scared of taking care of two babies without him (I'll have my family, though, so that helps). I'm afraid of the whole moving away from my family process as they are the people I'm closest to. I'm nervous for all the changes that will affect us for the rest of our lives. We just have to keep on reminding ourselves, that God has this all in control. After all He's got the whole world in His hands, right?

 

 

 

Well, that's all I've got for now. I have to go join my family to ring in the new year. 

 

 

 

I wish anyone who reads this a Happy and Healthy Year in 2013.

May your year be as blessed as it can possibly be.

 

 

Changes are coming...

I don't like change.

I never have.

For a couple of examples:

    -When Fred and I first got married, I cried a lot the first few days, because of the huge change of living at home to suddenly living with a man, besides my dad, for the first time in my life. I missed my parents, my sisters, my old room, all of it. Fred was worried. He even at one point said to me, "We shouldn't have gotten married. I shouldn't have taken you away from your family." That made me cry even more. And then I got my act together. Haha.

    -When I found out I was pregnant with Max, I laid in bed at night, worrying all the time. Hours would pass and I would lay there in the darkness waiting for the sun to come up again. How on earth are we going to afford a baby? How are we going to make it work in our tiny apartment? How am I going to be a mother? How am I supposed to take care of a baby, a boy no less?

God has a great sense of humor. Doesn't he?

He's decided to throw even bigger changes our way these last few months. And as usual, I am slightly terrified.

Big Change #1 and #2:

In the beginning of July, Fred was laid off from his job. That's just dandy, huh? Thankfully, his boss looked out for him (sort of) and wrote him a great letter of recommendation and all that. We prayed about it and decided that instead of searching for a job right away, we would take his unemployment compensation until the end of the summer, so that he could spend some quality time with Max and I, before going back full-force into job land. We used this time to pray about where God might be leading him.

After a few weeks, we were laying in bed when Fred rolled over and shared something that he felt the Lord had been laying on his heart- something that he's really wanted to do, since he was a kid.

He wanted to look into enlisting in the military.
...cue my uncontrollable tears.

The discussion didn't end well. It resulted in him apologizing and telling me to forget that he ever brought it up. HA! Fat chance, babe.

We had discussed the military while we were dating, and I had made it clear that I would not be married to a military man.

I rolled over and ignored him for a while and he went to sleep.

Once I heard the deep, steady breathing-I mean, snoring- of my husband, I cried some more- like, for an hour? How could he even think of leaving me for the military? How could he want to leave his family? How could he bear the thought of missing out on parts of Max's life? The questions poured through my brain. I was angry. I was bitter. I was hurt. I was afraid. I didn't want our way of life to change like this. I don't like change, remember? Not even the thought of it. I silently questioned and pleaded with God for what felt like an eternity.

And then I felt peace. And I went to sleep.

A few days went by and we didn't discuss it anymore. I tried to think rationally about it, on my own. I tried to think of all the reasons he shouldn't do it. I tried to think of the pros and the cons. I talked to a few close friends about it. I prayed about it.

I came to a conclusion.

I didn't want to be the reason the he didn't do it.
I didn't want him to look back when we're forty and pull the "If you had just let me do this..."
I didn't want to get in the way of what God wants for him and for our family.

I trust Fred with my life and with the life of my child(ren).
I know he has our family at the top of his priority list.
I know he's not doing something to hurt us.
I know he's looking out for us.

After much consideration and battling of myself, I approached him and brought the subject back to the surface. I poured out what I was feeling and how afraid I was. I cried. He cried. We sat on our kitchen floor and talked about the pros and cons, together. We prayed together. We decided to go and talk to an army recruiter. So, we did.

As of October 3rd, 2012, my husband is enlisted in the U.S. Army. He is supposed to leave February 5th, 2013- four days before Max's first birthday.

Big Change #3:

On August 29th, we got a surprise change to our family.

The kind of change that results in the mother of the family feeling slightly off...

Nauseous...?

Exhausted...?

Growth of the belly...?

The kind of change that makes Max a big brother...
The kind that makes Fred and I the parents of two children.

Ring any bells?
...Yeah, that kind of change.

Fred knocked me up, again.
I'm pregnant.
12 weeks this coming Monday.

Surprised?
Me, too.

Just more proof of God's sense of humor.

I'm due May 6th, 2013.

We had to laugh to ourselves... When we got married, we decided that we weren't going to start trying to have children until at least our 2 year anniversary. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary on September 4th, just 6 days after discovering that I'm pregnant with our second child. Great timing, eh?

We told our immediate family on Labor Day. Get it? Labor Day. We're cheesy like that. We brought Max over to my parents house in a onesie I had made that said "Big Bro." When my sister took him out of the car seat, she saw the shirt and BAM! surprise, everyone. We'll be making it public to everyone else on October 29th.

Big Change #4:

We are in the process of packing up our apartment and moving out.

Where are we moving?

Back to my parent's house, of course. ;-)

We figure its best for our family, right now, and it will really help us with some of the financial burdens we've been shouldering. Not only that, with Fred leaving in February and the baby due in May, I'll have the extra support with Max/pregnancy/the new baby/etc.

We have to be out of our apartment by November 9th. It's crazy how much junk you accumulate in just two years. Eyeroll.

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Food for thought (for myself.)

Through all of these changes, God is showing me all over again- for the millionth time- that I need to trust Him and rely on Him.

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Here's a picture of Max to hold you all over until next time. ;-)

my birth story and the week that has commenced.

Maxwell John has arrived!!!

February 9th, 2012 at 6:50 pm

8 lbs. and 15 oz.

20 1/2 inches long

  

I'm sitting here on my parents love seat with my newborn son laying on top of the boppy on my lap. He messed his diaper, fed for a while, and fell asleep. This has been our routine for the past week, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's a crazy thing finally being a mom. Its what I've always wanted to be. And now I am. People aren't lying when they say you love your kid like crazy. I honestly would do anything for him. He's become the center of my universe.

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Tuesday.

My due date came and went. Tuesday night, I cried because I was so tired of being pregnant. God decided to play tricks on me by giving me time-able contractions for the first time from 2:30 am through the rest of the night. They were hitting 10 minutes apart. I lay there hopeful. Fred got up and left for work. I got up an hour later, hoping to spur them on and...

they stopped.

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Wednesday.

Because of going over the due date, I went in for an ultrasound to make sure that his growth was going alright and to check the amniotic fluid levels. Everything was good. He was measuring at 8 lbs. 13 oz. "What a chunkster," says the ultrasound tech. She let us know that he hadn't even dropped.

On to my appointment: the doctor gave me a cervical exam and told me that there had been no progression. She told us that she didn't see me going into labor on my own anytime soon, and sent me to the hospital for an NST and to schedule an induction.

NST went fine and the induction was set for February 15th.

I struggled with the thought of an induction. I was upset that they wanted to induce me at 41 weeks, when it's completely normal to go until 42 weeks. Our hope had been to go completely natural and an induction would have made that harder. I was ready to cry at the thought of not being able to go into labor naturally. And the thought of having a "deadline" terrified me.

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Thursday.

Time-able contractions off and on all night, but always over 10 minutes. 6:30 am rolls around and Fred gets up for work. "Are you sure you want me to go?" Yeah, I didn't see the point in him sticking around. The contractions were 10 minutes apart. And after my false hope of yesterday, I didn't even want to think about it. He left and I went back to sleep. I laid in bed and slept as much as possible, waking up only to start the timer on my contraction timer app. I texted my mom letting her know that I was having contractions again, and that they were getting worse and she told me that she would teach her class at co-op and then come and sit with me. Finally, at 10 am, I dragged myself out of bed, and started cleaning. I figured I needed to get this mess under control. The contractions kept getting closer and closer. They hit 6-8 minutes and were getting stronger. I was in denial, I guess, because I kept telling myself that this couldn't be it.

Mom finally arrived and it had gotten to the point that I would have to stop during the contractions, focus, brace myself on something, breathe, and rock through them. She started timing them while I cleaned or whatever in between. They started hitting 5 minutes, 4 minutes, 3 minutes. I told her that I didn't want to go to the hospital. I wanted to wait until God gave me some kind of sure-fire sign that it was time... ya know, like water breaking or something? Nothing. And they just kept getting stronger. Finally, mom talked me into going and just getting checked. Just in case. Okay, but nothings going on, I thought to myself.

So, at 1 pm, we went.

We got to the hospital, and they hooked me up. They checked my cervix. Ta-da! 5 centimeters dilated. "You're having a baby, today." I had to hold back tears, I was so scared and not ready, but you don't have much of a choice at that point. My mom called Fred around 2 pm, and told him he better head over.

They took me to the delivery room, and started the admitting process. Each contraction that hit, I looked at the clock, wondering when Fred would be there. By the time they finished admitting me (almost 3ish), Fred had finally arrived. The mid-wife came in with him, and checked my cervix again. 8 centimeters dilated. She told me to get up and move around, it would help speed things up. We walked the halls for about 20 minutes. The contractions kept coming. Harder and stronger and longer and closer together. It got to the point that when they would come, I would have to throw my arms around Fred and he'd hold me up while I rocked through the pain.

We finally got back to the room and I had hit the transition stage. I stood by the counter, leaning over the counter, and the contractions hit one after another, non-stop. The pain was crazy. I've never experienced anything like it. I couldn't talk, couldn't think, couldn't move- just tapped my fingers on the counter and groaned and tried to focus on my breathing. I was seeing stars. The pain got so intense, that I almost considered asking for pain meds, as I had had none. But with that thought, a face popped into my head. A face of someone telling me that it is impossible to give birth without an epidural, without drugs. Someone telling me I wouldn't be able to do it. And with that image, my determination set in even stronger. The Bible verse about running the race that God has set before you with endurance kept running through my head. And the race was on.

The mid-wife came in around 4:30 to check my cervix again. Boom! I was complete. I laid down on the bed and started pushing against the pressure. A few pushes later, my water broke exploded all over the midwife.

They had me keep pushing with every contraction.

It was intense. But after the transition, it felt good to be pushing. I could feel the pressure subsiding, slowly. It was exhausting. In between each contraction, I would lay back, Mom would hold my water up for me to take a sip, and I would fall asleep, waiting for the next contraction.

Max's head was right there. Every push, it came further. The doctor was apparently spiking his hair as he was coming out. People kept telling me that I was almost done. Everytime I looked at the clock, only a few minutes had gone by, and the end didn't feel any closer. 6:15. 6:20. 6:25. 6:30. I started telling myself, this baby needs to be out by 7 pm. I pushed and pushed with all of my might, I could feel everything. There's nothing quite like feeling a baby being born. Experiencing every emotion, every ache, every thought, every strain. I was so exhausted and then with one last push, he literally just popped out. His head. And then his shoulders. I felt like I exploded. 6:50.

A few seconds later, I heard him cry. It didn't seem real.

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And then,

there he was. Laying on my chest. Staring at me. As soon, as our eyes met, there was no going back. My eyes filled with tears. And I touched his fingers, his face, his hair, his back. It felt like a dream. We just layed there, gazing at each other. The world had stopped. There was nothing else. I literally could not think of anything else. My entire world shifted.

And then, our moment was over. Fred cut the cord. The nurses were flying in and out of the room. They had to take him to start doing their tests and stuff. I delivered the placenta and then they started stitching me up. I tore pretty bad. That's all I have to say about that.

It felt like an eternity. I watched what was going on with Max as they did all of thier tests. 8 lbs. 15 oz. they called over. My eyes crossed at that thought. I just pushed out an almost 9 lb. baby!

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Finally, they gave him back to me. And he's been in my arms pretty much since.

I'm too tired to write anymore. Here's some pictures from this week:

the view from our hospital room. Isn't it gorgeous?

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Us.

 

 Daddy and Max. <3

i LOVE this shot.

Can you tell how exhausted I am?

Our first family photographs. (:

 

 

 

 

  

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Home.

 

 

Happy 1 week birthday to my sweet baby boy.

You are my sunshine. <3 

More to come... (:

Happy "Grati-Tuesday"! Oh, and it's my due date!!!

Today is my due date. Finally. Nine long months of waiting, only to be faced with some more waiting. The anticipation, excitement, and anxiety are practically eating me away. 

A part of me dreads going into labor- I lay in bed at night, once Fred falls asleep, staring into the darkness, sometimes weeping, thinking to myself that within the next few days I'll have gone into labor, gone through the pain of childbirth, the whole emotional roller coaster that goes along with it, hold our baby boy, bring him home, finally see what he looks like, etc. and I am terrified. I don't feel completely ready. In just a few short days there will be another person in our tiny family, one that we're responsible for.

The other part of me just wants it to happen and have it done and over with. I've never imagined that I could be sooo completely uncomfortable. Every move I try to make, everything pops. Rolling over in bed at night takes me a good 5 minutes, and as embarrassing as it is, I sometimes have to wake Fred up to help me. Putting on socks by myself? Yeah, that's pretty much a thing of the past. The discomfort has put me over the edge. I just want him out. I want to be finished being pregnant. 

I keep trying to remind myself that I CAN do it. I keep asking myself how many women have gone before me and gotten through it and then gone on to do it again? I keep telling myself that my body is created for this. God specially designed me for this. I'll pull through.

...it's still terrifying.

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Anyways, with all the complaints I've had lately, I feel I should post some things I'm thankful for.

1. My husband- He is amazing. And I don't show my appreciation for him often enough. I find new things I love about him each day. God reminds me each day just how lucky I am to be with him. I don't know how my life would be without him and now with our baby almost here, my love keeps getting stronger and I can't wait to see him as a daddy.

"I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow."

2. My family- I am so thankful for them and I know Fred is, too. My parents set such an amazing, Godly example for Fred and I to live up to and I'm so glad that God hand-picked them for me so that we can have somewhat of an idea of how to raise our kids the right way. My mom and sisters are beyond anything I could ever want in a friend. People may look down on it, but they are truly my best friends, despite our age differences. There's no one, besides Fred, that I would rather spend my time with.

3. My son- I am so grateful that God has blessed me with a healthy pregnancy and soon to be a healthy baby boy. I listen to the struggles of others with their pregnancies, and I know that I've had it easy. I've had zero complications, the doctors have even jokingly told me how boring my pregnancy is.

Some photos from the last nine months:

The day I found out- 5 1/2 weeks.

When I told Fred (the day after I found out) I had taken 3 pregnancy tests because I just didn't believe it. He had just gotten home from work. Surprise, honey! xp 

 Our first ultrasound- 9 weeks.

Starting to pop out- 14 1/2 weeks 

18 weeks 

 Ultrasound at 22 weeks- he's definitely a boy.

26 weeks 

32 weeks 

39 weeks 

Well, happy Grati-Tuesday! What are you thankful for?