Invisibility (that has a lot of i's...) is my super power.

Oh, hey. Didn't see me there? That's cool. Nobody else did either.

I am socially awkward. My social awkwardness feeds in to a deep rooted fear of being rejected. That fear makes me keep to myself to keep from awakening years of heart ache caused by "friends." That tendency to keep to myself makes me appear anti-social. That anti-social appearance causes me to not be an approachable person. That un-approachableness (is that even a word?) that makes me people stay away causes me to feel lonely. That loneliness makes me invisible.

I am invisible.

It's heartbreaking, really. Have you ever felt that alone?

I have. I've felt that way for years.

I've especially felt it this past month, particularly because my bestest, closest friend who knows me best suddenly isn't here and I have no one to pour my deepest, darkest thoughts, emotions, feelings, short-comings, etc. out on the table to. This has been one of the loneliest walks of my entire life. Thankfully, I'm surrounded by immediate family and a very few close friends who are here for support, but it's just not the same as having my husband here with me.

It sucks to sit in a room full of people and have no one talk to you or even so much as look at you... especially when some of them are people that told your husband they'd keep an eye on you and your family and try to help keep you busy while he was away. It's been a month. Not one of them has tried. It sucks to sit there and no one can see- or maybe, they just don't care?- how much pain you are feeling at the moment... how lonely you're feeling. A lot of people told him before he left, "Make sure your wife gives me your address." Not one of those people has asked me for it... Not one of those people has asked how he's doing. Not one of those people has asked me how I'm holding up or how Max is doing with his daddy gone.

To be honest, I miss the crap out of him. You have no idea.

I know a lot of people would tell me, "Oh, you just need to put yourself out there." "You need to take the first step." "You shouldn't take things so personally." "Don't worry about them, worry about you." "You need to work on your social skills." On and on. I've heard it all. And tried it all. And it doesn't really help to have all the blame put on me when I have put forth efforts to be friendly. People just don't like me for some reason. I mean, I made eye contact with two people that told Fred they'd be "there for me," headed over to try to make conversation, and they literally ducked away real quick. Who does that? Am I really that unlikeable? What do you do when you've constantly tried to make a connection with someone and they just continually blow you off? What do you do when you've been rejected and hurt so many times that the social compartment in your brain just kind of shuts off?

I think the only reason people do talk to me- on the rare occasion they do- is because Fred is with me. He's visible. All the time. He doesn't sense awkwardness like I do. He pushes for friendships and doesn't notice when the other person doesn't push back. He throws his heart out there as much as he possibly can. People like him and if they don't, he doesn't notice. Now, that he's gone. I'm back to being invisible.

I've had a lot on my plate since Fred left. Everything keeps piling up in my head and my heart and I try to hold it together for as long as I can, but I have a burst of tears about once a week... usually when I'm safe and sound tucked away in my bed, snuggling with my sleeping baby boy. This week it happened at church.

I've had an insane two weeks. Max had a really bad stomach bug- he barely ate or drank anything all week. He couldn't keep anything in his belly, so I got covered in throw up quite a few times. Oh, and I got used as a toilet... his poop was so watery, it didn't stay in his diaper. Every diaper change resulted in an outfit change. I think he show cased his whole collection of pajamas. Then, when he was finally better, he worked on cutting his molar... which resulted in a likely ear infection. All of this has resulted in a very tired, sleep deprived momma.

And if it's not Max keeping me up, it's my daughter using my bladder as a trampoline, giving roundhouse kicks to my cervix, or just practicing ballerina leaps through my uterus and belly to the waiting, outside world. I'm not sure which.

And if it's not one of them, it's my own wandering thoughts tormenting me all night: I'm 9 weeks away from giving birth, likely without my husband being there. I haven't talked to him in over three weeks. My son is literally into EVERYthing and screams at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get his way. I have no idea what's going on with Fred's paychecks or insurance. It's just sooo many things running through my head.

I was so exhausted this morning that literally everything was getting on my nerves: every sound, every action, every thought, almost every person, etc. The emotions were just building and building and my head was about to blow off. Add to it feeling invisible and there I was, sitting in church, feeling bitter as I watched happy, sappy couples walking to their seats, holding hands and having conversations with each other; watching daddy's chase their giggling little ones around; watching old friends greet and hug each other and work on catching up; watching newcomers being welcomed with open arms and warm smiles and so on. I dropped Max off in the nursery and walked with my sister to find a seat in the back (Yes, I sit in the back. I sit as close to the exit as possible. It's the closest to the bathroom. ;-) ), feeling let down and so very alone.

Worship starts:

"Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains."

 

*Cue the tears.* What an awesome reminder in my time of need. He remains. Everything else, everyone else, can and will fail. But He remains. I'm not invisible to Him. He cares and He knows what I'm going through. He knows what I'm feeling and thinking and experiencing. He's there and He's listening.

 

"Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me. "

Just a quick shout out to the people who actually do care about my family and I- Thank you. I don't say it nearly enough. Thank you for caring about us, for checking in on us to see if we're holding up. Thank you for being there. It is much appreciated and we love you all. <3