;<<< Maxed-Out Mommyyy: motherhood

I don't like change.

I never have.

For a couple of examples:

-When Fred and I first got married, I cried a lot the first few days, because of the huge change of living at home to suddenly living with a man, besides my dad, for the first time in my life. I missed my parents, my sisters, my old room, all of it. Fred was worried. He even at one point said to me, "We shouldn't have gotten married. I shouldn't have taken you away from your family." That made me cry even more. And then I got my act together. Haha.

-When I found out I was pregnant with Max, I laid in bed at night, worrying all the time. Hours would pass and I would lay there in the darkness waiting for the sun to come up again. How on earth are we going to afford a baby? How are we going to make it work in our tiny apartment? How am I going to be a mother? How am I supposed to take care of a baby, a boy no less?

God has a great sense of humor. Doesn't he?

He's decided to throw even bigger changes our way these last few months. And as usual, I am ~~slightly~~ terrified.

Big Change #1 and #2:

In the beginning of July, Fred was laid off from his job. That's just dandy, huh? Thankfully, his boss looked out for him (sort of) and wrote him a great letter of recommendation and all that. We prayed about it and decided that instead of searching for a job right away, we would take his unemployment compensation until the end of the summer, so that he could spend some quality time with Max and I, before going back full-force into job land. We used this time to pray about where God might be leading him.

After a few weeks, we were laying in bed when Fred rolled over and shared something that he felt the Lord had been laying on his heart- something that he's really wanted to do, since he was a kid.

He wanted to look into enlisting in the military.
...cue my uncontrollable tears.

The discussion didn't end well. It resulted in him apologizing and telling me to forget that he ever brought it up. HA! Fat chance, babe.

We had discussed the military while we were dating, and I had made it clear that I would not be married to a military man.

I rolled over and ignored him for a while and he went to sleep.

Once I heard the deep, steady ~~breathing~~-I mean, snoring- of my husband, I cried some more- like, for an hour? How could he even think of leaving me for the military? How could he want to leave his family? How could he bear the thought of missing out on parts of Max's life? The questions poured through my brain. I was angry. I was bitter. I was hurt. I was afraid. I didn't want our way of life to change like this. I don't like change, remember? Not even the thought of it. I silently questioned and pleaded with God for what felt like an eternity.

And then I felt peace. And I went to sleep.

A few days went by and we didn't discuss it anymore. I tried to think rationally about it, on my own. I tried to think of all the reasons he shouldn't do it. I tried to think of the pros and the cons. I talked to a few close friends about it. I prayed about it.

I came to a conclusion.

I didn't want to be the reason the he didn't do it.
I didn't want him to look back when we're forty and pull the "If you had just let me do this..."
I didn't want to get in the way of what God wants for him and for our family.

I trust Fred with my life and with the life of my child(ren).
I know he has our family at the top of his priority list.
I know he's not doing something to hurt us.
I know he's looking out for us.

After much consideration and battling of myself, I approached him and brought the subject back to the surface. I poured out what I was feeling and how afraid I was. I cried. He cried. We sat on our kitchen floor and talked about the pros and cons, together. We prayed together. We decided to go and talk to an army recruiter. So, we did.

As of October 3rd, 2012, my husband is enlisted in the U.S. Army. He is supposed to leave February 5th, 2013- four days before Max's first birthday.

Big Change #3:

On August 29th, we got a surprise change to our family.

The kind of change that results in the mother of the family feeling slightly off...

Nauseous...?

Exhausted...?

Growth of the belly...?

The kind of change that makes Max a big brother...
The kind that makes Fred and I the parents of two children.

Ring any bells?
...Yeah, that kind of change.

~~Fred knocked me up, again.~~
I'm pregnant.
12 weeks this coming Monday.

Surprised?
Me, too.

Just more proof of God's sense of humor.

I'm due May 6th, 2013.

We had to laugh to ourselves... When we got married, we decided that we weren't going to start trying to have children until at least our 2 year anniversary. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary on September 4th, just 6 days after discovering that I'm pregnant with our second child. Great timing, eh?

We told our immediate family on Labor Day. Get it? Labor Day. We're cheesy like that. We brought Max over to my parents house in a onesie I had made that said "Big Bro." When my sister took him out of the car seat, she saw the shirt and BAM! surprise, everyone. We'll be making it public to everyone else on October 29th.

Big Change #4:

We are in the process of packing up our apartment and moving out.

Where are we moving?

Back to my parent's house, of course. ;-)

We figure its best for our family, right now, and it will really help us with some of the financial burdens we've been shouldering. Not only that, with Fred leaving in February and the baby due in May, I'll have the extra support with Max/pregnancy/the new baby/etc.

We have to be out of our apartment by November 9th. It's crazy how much junk you accumulate in just two years. Eyeroll.

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Food for thought (for myself.)

Through all of these changes, God is showing me all over again- for the millionth time- that I need to trust Him and rely on Him.

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Here's a picture of Max to hold you all over until next time. ;-)

Hi. My name is Alex and I am the worst procrastinator in the world. No, seriously. I am. Well, maybe I don't "procrastinate" blogging... I just don't make time to do it, like I long to do, like I should do. For instance, I started this blog LAST Thursday. Then again, what does it matter? I don't think many people read this, anyway.

BUT! ...I am the worst procrastinator.
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Anyways...

My days ~~pretty much~~ blend together right now:

Fred wakes up for work, which wakes Max and I up. Fred changes Max's diaper, brings him to me and I nurse him while Fred gets ready, and Max falls back asleep. Fred gives Max and me a kiss goodbye. He runs out the door for work. I check my Facebook, Babycenter, Draw Something on my phone. I snuggle up with Max- he is one of the best snugglers (he must get it from his dad and me) and go back to sleep. Max wakes up. I wake up. I change his diaper, feed him again. Get up. Get him dressed. Dress myself. Go eat something... or try to. Nurse him again. Go to the bathroom... maybe. We listen to music. We watch movies. He cries. He nurses. He screams. He takes a nap. I try to clean. What? I never know. Just something. It all needs to be cleaned anyway. Something outside (lawn mower, loud car, blasting music, bratty kid, domestic argument of some sort) wakes him up. I change him. I nurse him again. He falls alseep on the couch. I try to clean some more. He wakes up. He nurses again. He screams. He stops. He smiles. He farts. He cracks up laughing. He laughs harder while I wipe the result of those farts that make him laugh so hard. On and on, it goes. You get the cycle. Some days, we got out. We go to my parents or we go shopping or we just go for a walk. We nurse again. He poops again. Fred gets home from work. We eat. We clean. Sometimes. We give Max a bath. I nurse. We get our jammies on. We go to bed. We sleep. And then we do it all over again the next day.

So... it's pretty easy for the days to blend together, I think. Don't you agree? ;-) Don't take all that as a complaint, though. That's definitely not what it is. It gets tiring often, but its all worth it.

~~One day, I'll have it all together.~~ Nope, scratch that. Who am I kidding? I've never had it together. I didn't have it together before Max was here; I didn't have it together before Fred and I were married--- I've never had it together. I never will. And I'm okay with that. I accept it. I'd be no fun if I had it all together. Where's the spontanaeity in that?! I want to be random, anyway.
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Max is growing like a weed. Some of his 3 month clothing is already getting too tight. People tell you all the time, don't blink or you'll miss something... that it all goes so quickly. And now that I'm living it, I know it to be true. Everytime I look at him, he's different in someway: looks-wise, expression-wise, development-wise, etc. He smiles alot now. He rolled over for the first time, last week. He reaches for the toys that hang on his playmat. He holds eye contact with me. He laughs. He snuggles. It makes me misty-eyed looking at all the photographs I've taken from when he was born until now and seeing how much he's changed. He's 12 weeks, today. He looks like a completely different baby. He looks like his dad on some days, my sister on others. His hair is almost a strawberry blonde and his eyes are a dark grayish-blue. He's happy most of the time and he has his dad and me wrapped around his chubby little fingers. I never thought I could love someone so much. That sounds sooo cliche, but its the truth. And the only reason it sounds cliche is because every mother says it, but then again, I'm sure every mother feels this way about their child... and if they don't, they've got issues.
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Max's first Easter has come and gone. We dressed in nice clothes, went to church, and then celebrated Resurrection Day with family and friends: Max, Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpop, Grandma K., Grandpa, Aunt Lizzy, Aunt B., Aunt Debi, Uncle Kota, Sheryl, Elsa, Sarah, and Brian. We even posed for some good photographs.

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I've started trying to lose some weight. I've been heavier than I'd like to be for a while now and it's time to do something about it. I want to be active for Max. I want to be able to run around and keep up with him. I don't want to be planted on the couch, eating, and watching TV/reading a book/playing on my phone all day. I want to be outside with him. Teaching him to be active. I don't want to dread doing something that's good for me. I want to be healthy for him and for my future children and for my husband and for me. So, I'm not "dieting" per se. You're not supposed to do that while breastfeeding, I guess. Rather, I'm watching my calories and trying to make healthier choices and lead a more active lifestyle. I've been tracking on "My Fitness Pal" and doing a Biggest Loser workout dvd and going for walks and trying to just be up, moving around more. I started on Monday. So far, so good. I normally start out okay, though, and then I get bored and give up. I'm really gonna try hard, though. So, if you're a praying person... can you pray for me through this? Its much appreciated.

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On that note, Fred and I (and Max, of course) went for a long walk on Monday night and explored our neighborhood some more. We found a old cemetary that we never would have guessed was there. There was one headstone for three children- a 6 year old girl, a baby girl- not even a month old, and a 19 year old boy who was a private in the military during the time of the Korean war. How sad for those parents to lose three of thier children (could have been all of them- who knows). It caused me to hold Max even closer than usual once we got home and whisper a prayer of thanks to the Lord for his life and also a prayer of comfort for those parents if they're still alive.

We also explored the trolley trail for the first time. I don't think many people know about it. I had heard about it years ago, but never knew where it was. Fred and I went to look at a house a couple of weeks ago and saw the trolley trail close-by. So, we checked it out.

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Some Facebook status highlights from the past few weeks:

April 26th, 2012-

"Max just rolled over from his tummy to his back!

Not cool, young man. I'll have none of this "moving around on your own" stuff, yet. ;-)"

We were sitting on our bed and I was folding laundry while he was laying on his belly. He's gotten close to rolling over a few time, but always gets stuck at his arm. Well, not that day. He rolled onto his back and chuckled to himself.

April 24th, 2012-

"Max is having a giggle fest this morning... He's probably reveling that his diabolical plan to keep me and his daddy awake for most of the night was a success."

Need I say more? He was cracking up for 15 minutes straight for no apparent reason.

April 23rd, 2012-

"I seriously just bawled my eyes out at the end of the Mockingjay book (the last book of the Hunger Games.) No joke. Bawled. :-(

Read the Hunger Games. You won't regret it.

Now to find my tissues. *sniffle*"

Need a good book to read? Check out the Hunger Games. You'll love them. I did. And I'm a picky reader. And all you judgers... get over it. Unless you've read the book, you're not going to understand and have NO right whatsoever to judge it.

April 23rd, 2012-

"My mom was telling me last night how she had a dream that I was in the hospital having a baby girl and one of my cousins was having twins at the same exact time. Her dream freaked me out so much that I did a pregnancy test this morning, just in case. Haha. Thank God, it was negative. ;-)"

True story. Not that I don't want another baby--- just not yet.

April 17th, 2012-

"Max has such a good sense of humor. He laughs at my jokes. ;-)"

He does. My jokes are always lousy, but he thinks they're hilarious. Well, he probably laughs more at the tone of voice I use, but its still a confidence booster. LOL.

April 16th, 2012-

"Max is just like me... miserable when its too hot out. He's been super fussy all day and the only time he acted content was when we were standing in front of the air conditioner. Ha. This is gonna be a long summer. ;-)"

Ugh, it was like 90 degrees out that day. I seriously thought I would die. We both were so incredibly miserable. I don't know if my downstairs neighbors had thier heat on or what. Knowing them... probably. Wierdos. Everytime I would try to nurse Max, we'd both get ticked off at each other because we were sweating like pigs. Glad that day is over. Now for the rest of the hot days coming? Yikes.

April 12th, 2012-

"LOL, listening to the Children's Indie station on Pandora with Max... and finally learned what the word QAT means!!! I always play it in Scrabble and Words With Friends. Its a small green shrub! Ha! Made my day. Oh, the things that entertain me. ;-)"

This made my day. When Fred and I first started dating, we played a game of Scrabble with his mom. Fred played the word QAT and we got in an argument over whether or not it was a word. Well, needless to say, Fred was right (which is a rarity), and QAT was very much a word, but we never knew what it meant. Leave it to kids music to tell me.

March 20th, 2012-

"I'm cracking up, right now. Fred and I are eating oreos and milk. I finished mine and was contemplating how to steal one of his. So I said, "Is that a spider?," expecting him to look at the wall while I swiped a cookie. No. My husband got the most terrified look on his face and froze. "Where?" Not the reaction I was looking for, but so worth it. I got that cookie anyway, mid-giggle. ;-)"

Not much more to explain... I think that says it all.

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~~Some~~ photographs from the last few weeks... Well, alot.

I discovered a cool app for my phone called Instagram; here's some photos from that: