This wife thing gets pretty hard, sometimes.

*Disclaimer: If anyone reads this, this post is not for you to judge either of us. This is revealing that we are not perfect. Our marraige is not perfect. Our lives are not perfect. We are both sinful wretches in need of a change, in need of God's saving grace.
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Things have been different since Max came.

Before, I just had one person, besides me, to take care; only one person I had to pay attention to. I sucked at this wife thing back then, too, but now its even harder.

Before, we would argue, say mean things to each other, make up, move on, and the next week be right back at it.

Before, our arguments didn't really effect anyone, but us.

Before, I could walk out the door, go for a walk, to take a few minutes to cool off and not have to worry about a baby waking up and crying for his mom.

Before, we would aruge about silly things. You don't need to know what our arguments were about. I don't even remember what half of them were about. Just dumb little things.

But- we never ONCE argued about money.

Well, we did the other day. For the first time. It sucked. For the first time, we let the sun really go down while we were angry. For the first time, Fred grabbed a pillow and blanket and went to the couch without me asking him to. For the first time, he didn't sneak back into bed and whisper he was sorry. For the first time, he left for work without giving me a kiss goodbye. All day, it festered in me.

By the time he got home, all hell broke loose in our tiny apartment.

And it was over something, that really, when you think about it, was so stupid. And was handled so wrong. I hurt him. He hurt me. Verbally. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. I attacked. I belittled him in ways I shouldn't have- in ways I didn't know I could. We spurned each other on in our anger. 

On a slight tangent, Fred is somewhat to blame, but I am more at fault. He is a pacifist. He doesn't hold grudges. He moves on and forgives. He wears his heart on his sleeve. I, on the other hand, am loud, vengeful at times. I don't hold back and play nice. I'm in it for the win. I throw words that I know will bring out his sinful nature, so that I can fall back on that when he wants me to apologize. I twist things without meaning to. My mouth runs faster than my brain. I over-exagerate things that he says and does. I turn into an awful person that I don't even know. (And this whole thing has revealed to me, more than ever before, why I need to change.)

As those awful words spewed out of my mouth, instant regret was burning through my mind- I knew what I was saying and how I was acting was wrong- but it was easier to just keep spewing venom than to rein in my tongue. Even as I watched him fighting back tears, they kept coming.

As we stood there, screaming at each other, it was pretty much war. We both were saying the nastiest things we could think of. It was awful. I felt like I was drowning. I kept searching for a way out, a way to resurface. I knew I should just stop, and apologize, and be at peace with my husband. I knew I should just respond in love and forgiveness, even if he was still throwing his darts at me, I should have just backed down, but I kept going. Screaming. Yelling. Crying. Things being knocked down. Sin twisting our words, scewing our minds, refilling the venom. Over and over.

And then, another cry...

...but neither of ours. Max's. It was the most heart-wrenching thing. He had been napping, but was in the same room with us. He was there for the whole thing. And I've never felt like a more terrible person. I grabbed him and started to cry with him, while Fred stormed around the apartment; the result of my careless words.

For the sake of being honest, and this is hard, I asked told him to leave get out of the apartment. I was seriously, in my mind, kicking him out for a while. I told him he could come back in an hour. I threatened to leave and go to my parents for a while, just to cool off. Of course, he didn't listen and I didn't go.

Instead, the arguing continued, but not in the malicious way it had been before. The arguing ended up in talking, the talking ended up in true feelings and frustrations being poured out, and that ended up in both of us in tears in each others arms, with Max, pulling through the storm.
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As I lay in bed, last night, my mind was racing. Our fight kept playing through my head, reminding me of the awful person I can become and how much I need and want God to change me. I never want to put any of us in that predicament again. This argument, was by far, the worst we've ever had. I never want Max to cry as the result of us fighting. I never want to tear my husband down so much, that I move him to the point of tears.

I have the power to build this man up, or tear him down. The building takes forever, but the knocking him back down takes seconds and can happen without me even realizing it.

I should be taking every opportunity to encourage my husband, and I fail everyday. I complained in another post that I was the worst procrastinator in the world. Well now, I am finding myself to be the worst wife in this world. I'm not taking time to learn about my husband anymore. I'm not displaying an interest in the things he cares about or the dreams he has or who he wants to be. I don't respect him the way I should. I don't listen to his aspirations or thoughts or feelings. I've been a selfish wife. And I need to start putting God first, and then Fred ahead of myself.

I need to be striving to be the wife he needs me to be. His encourager. His helper. I need to be spurning him on in his walk with God. I need to tell him the things I admire about him, not just assume he knows. I need to get over my pride and share my feelings and thoughts with him, which is always a hard thing for me to do. I need to allow him to step up and be the man God desires him to be, the one that deep down I do need.

I need to thank God, not just everyday, but every single chance I get, for the man he provided me with. The man he blessed me with as my husband, my best friend, the father of my child, my protecter, my provider, my sanity at times, my leader, my other half.

On top of all that, I need to be setting an example for my son. Would I want him to marry a woman that acts like me? How can I expect him to have a high standard for the woman he marries, if I can't set that standard to myself? I don't want him to look at me, and see a disrespectful wife. I don't want him to feel insecure in Fred's and my love. I don't want him to fear. I don't want him to have memories of Fred and I throwing horrible, demeaning words at each other while arguing, but rather of us working through the struggles together with the help of God.

My mind was in so many places last night, battling itself.
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My thoughts last night were all over the place. Things were confirmed for me today even more. I came to my parents to do laundry and signed on Pinterest and found quite a few things that really stuck out to me. Things that I really want to remember.

First, was this article of 50 ways to inspire your husband. Alot, of the things really struck me, because I don't even try half the time. I want to take the time to really get to know my husband more. To study him. Spend time with him. Communicate with him. Show him love, not just mine, but God's. To take little steps to remind him of what a great husband and father and friend he is. To encourage him.
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Things to remember for my husband.

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Things to remember for my child(ren).

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My Fredward- I know you read my blogs. I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said to you and the ways I have belittled you and how I act and respond to you. I know they were wrong as I say them. I promise to start trying harder than ever to be the wife you need me to be. Help me.

I love you and I know we will work through anything and everything life throws our way. You are my husband, my best friend, an awesome dad, a hard worker, a steadfast provider, and so many other things. You ARE my dream come true, even when its hard for me to see it. I love you, more than life itself. My life would be empty without you. :-(

I love being your wife. You're greatest gift to me, is the love you have for the Lord, for me, and for our son. I love being a part of your life and watching God mold you into the man you are meant to become. I love that you come home to me each night. I love that you love only me and you put me ahead of yourself. I love that you stick around even through the hard times. I love that when we argue, you always sneak your way back into bed and hold me while I cry. I love that when I wake up in the morning you're there. I love that out of every girl in this world, you chose me to be your bride. I love that you chose me to share your life with. I love that you are the father of our child. I love everything about you, even the flaws, even though I don't always show it.

I love you.

Yours,

alley <3

Forever and Always. <3