Today, I'm feeling pretty darn maxed out. Not just maxed out, but Lucyed out, Freded out, peopled out. I am so FREAKING sick of the flack that stay at home mom's get whether it's on the television, from another woman, from a man you don't even know, to your husband's boss or even from your husband himself and if I hear one more person bash a stay at home mother I am liable to go off. I am sick of watching TV shows that make stay-at-home moms seem like they're just lazy women who sit around all day stuffing their faces and watching soap operas making their children do chores and let themselves go. I'm tired of anytime someone asks my husband what his wife does for a living, him replying, "Oh, she's a stay at home mom" to which I get laughed at and he's asked why doesn't she just get an actual job. I'm tired of my husband coming home and telling me these stories of my own life's ridicule and making me feel berated and meaningless even if he's not meaning to. I'm tired of no one standing up for the stay at home mothers.
Well, let me tell all you people who look down on stay at home mom's something or misunderstand them or whatever it is that makes you think it's okay to mock us and belittle us. We don't get a break from our job. We don't get a lunch break to eat without a toddler fighting to sit on your lap and eat half of your meal, even though he just ate his own. We don't get to go home at the end of the night to rest and regroup before another long day at the office/factory/lab/school/wherever it is you work. Heck, most of us don't even get to enjoy a nice full night of sleep before having to face our new day. Our days just blend in to the next. We don't get to have weekends off. Instead, we get to continue the same thing we did the whole other 24 hours a day for the last 5 days, but instead of just taking care of our kids, we get a whole other kid who looks like he ate four kids and behaves worse than the others and makes more of a mess whether it's shoes, dishes, laundry, blankets, facial hair in the sink, poop stains in the toilet... well, the list just goes on and on.
We do the same thing day in and day out! We get up in the morning after taking care of a crying/sick/teething/fussy baby all night. We get the kids up and ready in the morning listening to them whine and cry the whole time because they just can't run around in their dirty diaper all day. And we change diapers ALL day. We make breakfast. We clean (what feels like non-stop, in circles.) We do laundry. We organize. We entertain the kids. We make lunch. We put kids down for naps (and every once in a while take one for ourselves.) We use that nap time to try and clean some more even though once the kids get up from their naps they'll be right back at it. We plan dinner. We make dinner. We listen to the kids scream while we make dinner because they just don't understand that in order to eat and be fed, Mommy has to make the food. Try explaining that to an 18 month old. At the half point of our day, Daddy gets home from work and complains how tired he is, how hard he worked, how much his back hurts, how stressed he is and on and on while you keep running circles trying to make everyone else happy and cared for even though all you can think of is,"When's baby bedtime?" We get dinner on the table. Shoveour own food quickly into our mouth while holding/nursing a baby and stopping your toddler from throwing his food on the ceiling and listening to your husband rattle on about who knows what. Then you get up, clean up from dinner, wipe the food from your toddlers face and grubby little hands, wash the dishes all while your husband whose day was oh so hard sits down to watch the news. When you finally finish all that you whisk the kids upstairs for bath time with a sudden rush of hopeful energy and tell yourself, "We're almost there. I can see the finish line!" While you wash your sweet dirty babies who love their baths until you have rinse the shampoo from their barely there hair and then bawl their eyes out when you tell them bath times over and wrap them up in their towels with tears and snot on their freshly clean faces. You put on clean, dry diapers and pajamas and lay down with their cuddly, chubby little bodies as they claw you trying to get closer to Mommy and you sing them soft lullabies and watch the sweet dreamy faces of these little beings that you helped create as they drift off to sleep. <--- That's my favorite part. And then, it just continues until it fades in to the next day and you get to do it all over again.
Does it sound like I love my job? Because I really do. I love these babies. They are my life and my reason for getting up in the morning (literally, because who else is going to give them breakfast?)
Like all jobs, I get burned out. But unlike other jobs, I don't get paid (other than in hugs, smiles, and kisses from my sweet babies) and I don't get a break. Not at night, on the weekends, especially not on holidays. My job never stops. I never escape from it. I can't even pee in peace. And the worst thing is, after you've busted you butt all day, all night, all week, all month and so on, you get zero appreciation and told your job is so easy. I can't help but laugh at that easy part. I collapse in to bed most nights from pure exhaustion, only to be woken again two hours later by a screaming baby while my husband sleeps peacefully for the night, so don't try to tell me it's easy, but I will tell you, I live for those moments that Max and Lucy smile at me with pure joy on their faces, those moments that a baby belly laugh echoes through the house, and those moments that they cry and come to me and find comfort in my arms. Those are my other favorite parts of the day.
I love this life and it's the life I've chosen. I want to be the one my children learn from. I want the primary role and active part in their lives, not some stranger. I don't want to leave them in the care of someone who- when it really comes down to it- doesn't care about them. I love them and I want them raised in that love. They are my life... why shouldn't it be devoted completely to them?
So, next time you belittle a stay at home wife/mom, you best not say it to me, because I'm at the end of my rope listening to people look down on me and others who have chosen this path. Children are the joy of the Lord, and my babies are the joy of my heart.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Our fourth.
So, our week has been long and uneventful. My daughter is a grouch and is bored with me. I'm exhausted and I miss my "Baby Max." Fred's... well, being Fred. ;-)
Yesterday was the Fourth. We had as good a day as we possibly could. Of course, there were bittersweet moments of missing my family and friends, our yearly festivities, the BBQ, and most of all Max. We spent our morning at the "Sundown Salute" parade in Junction City. "Sundown Salute" is a big throw down at Heritage Park. They have a carnival, concerts, a mobile aquarium, jugglers, fireworks, etc. Oh, and it's like 5 days long. Anyways, the parade... It was about an hour long and it was HOT. As soon as it was over, we headed back to our car to come back to the hotel where we had homemade (microwave cooked) fajitas, took a nice, long nap, and then went for a swim. Lucy LOVES the pool. Afterwards, we headed back out to the park for the fireworks and dinner and we met up with our new pals, Nadia and Felix and their two littles. We ended up not being able to see the fireworks, because we were sitting behind a tree and we all just ended up yapping the WHOLE time. Even after the fireworks ended, we sat around waiting for the crowd to clear some. When we finally noticed it was 11 pm, we started heading back to our cars and said our goodbyes until next time.
When we got back to the hotel, there was a small fire across the pond that was quickly spreading, so we went in to tell the front desk. Another couple was there talking about the fire department, so I asked them if they were talking about the fire, too. No, they weren't. They had burnt popcorn in their room and set off the fire alarm which apparently automatically notifies the fire department. So, the girl at the front desk phoned the fire department to let them know about the fire and Fred and I talked to the couple that was already there. They're being transferred out of Ft. Riley and out to Maryland. Lucky ducks.
So, yeah, that's about it. Here's a few photos.
Yesterday was the Fourth. We had as good a day as we possibly could. Of course, there were bittersweet moments of missing my family and friends, our yearly festivities, the BBQ, and most of all Max. We spent our morning at the "Sundown Salute" parade in Junction City. "Sundown Salute" is a big throw down at Heritage Park. They have a carnival, concerts, a mobile aquarium, jugglers, fireworks, etc. Oh, and it's like 5 days long. Anyways, the parade... It was about an hour long and it was HOT. As soon as it was over, we headed back to our car to come back to the hotel where we had homemade (microwave cooked) fajitas, took a nice, long nap, and then went for a swim. Lucy LOVES the pool. Afterwards, we headed back out to the park for the fireworks and dinner and we met up with our new pals, Nadia and Felix and their two littles. We ended up not being able to see the fireworks, because we were sitting behind a tree and we all just ended up yapping the WHOLE time. Even after the fireworks ended, we sat around waiting for the crowd to clear some. When we finally noticed it was 11 pm, we started heading back to our cars and said our goodbyes until next time.
When we got back to the hotel, there was a small fire across the pond that was quickly spreading, so we went in to tell the front desk. Another couple was there talking about the fire department, so I asked them if they were talking about the fire, too. No, they weren't. They had burnt popcorn in their room and set off the fire alarm which apparently automatically notifies the fire department. So, the girl at the front desk phoned the fire department to let them know about the fire and Fred and I talked to the couple that was already there. They're being transferred out of Ft. Riley and out to Maryland. Lucky ducks.
So, yeah, that's about it. Here's a few photos.
Lu's patriotic piggies.
Our dinner. Good stuff. Gyros and jambalaya.
Hope you all had a great Fourth! Happy Independence Day!
Friday, June 28, 2013
a new beginning.
Those who know me, or have read my feeble attempts at blogging before, know that I am not a fan of change. However, change always seems to be one of those areas that God tests me and stretches me the most. He constantly tries to drag me from my comfort zone while I try to wither away in the safety of what's always been. So, here I am. In Kansas. 1,200 miles from home, my family, all I've ever really known and currently from one of my sweet babies.
Congratulations, God.
You win.
So, our family's new journey has just begun. And with that new journey comes many new changes. Thus the new blog post. Maybe I'll actually be able to keep it up this time? Doubt it.
We headed out Tuesday morning, leaving behind Pennsylvania- the state I've lived in my entire life. The place where pretty much everyone I love and care about is. The state where I know how to get to the places I need to be... where I have a general idea of where I am... where I recognize town and street names. And now... well... like I said, it's 1,200 miles away. The only familiarity I have here is my husband and one of our babies.
On that note, we left Max at home with my parents until we can secure housing. One of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I battled that whole mommy anxiety thing ever since my dad mentioned the idea. You know... would he be mad at me? Now or when he's older? Is he gonna remember me? Still love me? Would he even really notice that I was gone? So many thoughts. The slightly selfish mommy part of me didn't want to leave him behind, but the more I thought and prayed about it, I truly felt it would be better to let him stay behind with my parents and siblings in his comfort zone instead of ripping him from it to live in a hotel for who knows how long and face all the stress and unexpected things in Kansas. I still don't completely know if it was the right choice, but what's done is done. I've called him every day and he seems to be doing fine. I, on the other hand, am missing my baby boy like crazy. It is nice though, to get some one on one time with just Lucy. Something I don't think I'd ever have gotten if he had come along.
Some pictures from our journey:
We arrived at Ft. Riley yesterday around 2 pm and found a super nice, brand new hotel which will serve as our home for at least until Tuesday when we'll hopefully know whether or not we have housing.
Lu's getting buggy and Fred's gone to Wal-Mart, so that's all for now.
Peace. <3
Congratulations, God.
You win.
So, our family's new journey has just begun. And with that new journey comes many new changes. Thus the new blog post. Maybe I'll actually be able to keep it up this time? Doubt it.
We headed out Tuesday morning, leaving behind Pennsylvania- the state I've lived in my entire life. The place where pretty much everyone I love and care about is. The state where I know how to get to the places I need to be... where I have a general idea of where I am... where I recognize town and street names. And now... well... like I said, it's 1,200 miles away. The only familiarity I have here is my husband and one of our babies.
On that note, we left Max at home with my parents until we can secure housing. One of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I battled that whole mommy anxiety thing ever since my dad mentioned the idea. You know... would he be mad at me? Now or when he's older? Is he gonna remember me? Still love me? Would he even really notice that I was gone? So many thoughts. The slightly selfish mommy part of me didn't want to leave him behind, but the more I thought and prayed about it, I truly felt it would be better to let him stay behind with my parents and siblings in his comfort zone instead of ripping him from it to live in a hotel for who knows how long and face all the stress and unexpected things in Kansas. I still don't completely know if it was the right choice, but what's done is done. I've called him every day and he seems to be doing fine. I, on the other hand, am missing my baby boy like crazy. It is nice though, to get some one on one time with just Lucy. Something I don't think I'd ever have gotten if he had come along.
Some pictures from our journey:
Lucy liked Ohio so much that she just wanted to eat.
Touchdown in Ohio.
She's already got Daddy wrapped around her finger and she knows it. ;-)
She hogs a king size bed like you would not even believe.
Little Princess thanks to Daddy.
We travelled through Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, and Kansas.
Seeing/driving over the Mississippi for the first time ever.
Pretty stoked.
The skies and clouds are crazy gorgeous in Indiana!
Oh, you know... just taking selfies while Daddy is doing paperwork.
My little mini-me... already making silly faces at the camera.
Aaaaaand... she ditched me for a nap. Traitor.
Our amazing hotel. I could just live here for the next four years.
What do you think Army? Huh?
Crazy, creepy clouds outside of our hotel last night.
I was deathly afraid that there was going to be a tornado on my first day in Kansas.
For the record, tornadoes are one of my biggest fears and I
NEVER saw myself living in a state that was in "Tornado Valley."
Pool and hot tub! Guess where Lu and I will be
hanging all weekend? ;-)
My sweet little chubba wubba. <3
Hahaha. He was totes drooling.
Little Miss "I Have Long Eyelashes Like My Daddy and Big Brother"
Not fair.
Ready for the pool. She's a total water baby.
We also have some photos from "The Gateway Arch" in St. Louis Missouri, but for some reason they're not uploaded yet. I'll try to post them soon.
Lu's getting buggy and Fred's gone to Wal-Mart, so that's all for now.
Peace. <3
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Invisibility (that has a lot of i's...) is my super power.
Oh, hey. Didn't see me there? That's cool. Nobody else did either.
I am socially awkward. My social awkwardness feeds in to a deep rooted fear of being rejected. That fear makes me keep to myself to keep from awakening years of heart ache caused by "friends." That tendency to keep to myself makes me appear anti-social. That anti-social appearance causes me to not be an approachable person. That un-approachableness (is that even a word?) that makes me people stay away causes me to feel lonely. That loneliness makes me invisible.
I am invisible.
It's heartbreaking, really. Have you ever felt that alone?
I have. I've felt that way for years.
I've especially felt it this past month, particularly because my bestest, closest friend who knows me best suddenly isn't here and I have no one to pour my deepest, darkest thoughts, emotions, feelings, short-comings, etc. out on the table to. This has been one of the loneliest walks of my entire life. Thankfully, I'm surrounded by immediate family and a very few close friends who are here for support, but it's just not the same as having my husband here with me.
It sucks to sit in a room full of people and have no one talk to you or even so much as look at you... especially when some of them are people that told your husband they'd keep an eye on you and your family and try to help keep you busy while he was away. It's been a month. Not one of them has tried. It sucks to sit there and no one can see- or maybe, they just don't care?- how much pain you are feeling at the moment... how lonely you're feeling. A lot of people told him before he left, "Make sure your wife gives me your address." Not one of those people has asked me for it... Not one of those people has asked how he's doing. Not one of those people has asked me how I'm holding up or how Max is doing with his daddy gone.
To be honest, I miss the crap out of him. You have no idea.
I know a lot of people would tell me, "Oh, you just need to put yourself out there." "You need to take the first step." "You shouldn't take things so personally." "Don't worry about them, worry about you." "You need to work on your social skills." On and on. I've heard it all. And tried it all. And it doesn't really help to have all the blame put on me when I have put forth efforts to be friendly. People just don't like me for some reason. I mean, I made eye contact with two people that told Fred they'd be "there for me," headed over to try to make conversation, and they literally ducked away real quick. Who does that? Am I really that unlikeable? What do you do when you've constantly tried to make a connection with someone and they just continually blow you off? What do you do when you've been rejected and hurt so many times that the social compartment in your brain just kind of shuts off?
I think the only reason people do talk to me- on the rare occasion they do- is because Fred is with me. He's visible. All the time. He doesn't sense awkwardness like I do. He pushes for friendships and doesn't notice when the other person doesn't push back. He throws his heart out there as much as he possibly can. People like him and if they don't, he doesn't notice. Now, that he's gone. I'm back to being invisible.
I've had a lot on my plate since Fred left. Everything keeps piling up in my head and my heart and I try to hold it together for as long as I can, but I have a burst of tears about once a week... usually when I'm safe and sound tucked away in my bed, snuggling with my sleeping baby boy. This week it happened at church.
I've had an insane two weeks. Max had a really bad stomach bug- he barely ate or drank anything all week. He couldn't keep anything in his belly, so I got covered in throw up quite a few times. Oh, and I got used as a toilet... his poop was so watery, it didn't stay in his diaper. Every diaper change resulted in an outfit change. I think he show cased his whole collection of pajamas. Then, when he was finally better, he worked on cutting his molar... which resulted in a likely ear infection. All of this has resulted in a very tired, sleep deprived momma.
And if it's not Max keeping me up, it's my daughter using my bladder as a trampoline, giving roundhouse kicks to my cervix, or just practicing ballerina leaps through my uterus and belly to the waiting, outside world. I'm not sure which.
And if it's not one of them, it's my own wandering thoughts tormenting me all night: I'm 9 weeks away from giving birth, likely without my husband being there. I haven't talked to him in over three weeks. My son is literally into EVERYthing and screams at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get his way. I have no idea what's going on with Fred's paychecks or insurance. It's just sooo many things running through my head.
I was so exhausted this morning that literally everything was getting on my nerves: every sound, every action, every thought, almost every person, etc. The emotions were just building and building and my head was about to blow off. Add to it feeling invisible and there I was, sitting in church, feeling bitter as I watched happy, sappy couples walking to their seats, holding hands and having conversations with each other; watching daddy's chase their giggling little ones around; watching old friends greet and hug each other and work on catching up; watching newcomers being welcomed with open arms and warm smiles and so on. I dropped Max off in the nursery and walked with my sister to find a seat in the back (Yes, I sit in the back. I sit as close to the exit as possible. It's the closest to the bathroom. ;-) ), feeling let down and so very alone.
Worship starts:
Just a quick shout out to the people who actually do care about my family and I- Thank you. I don't say it nearly enough. Thank you for caring about us, for checking in on us to see if we're holding up. Thank you for being there. It is much appreciated and we love you all. <3
I am socially awkward. My social awkwardness feeds in to a deep rooted fear of being rejected. That fear makes me keep to myself to keep from awakening years of heart ache caused by "friends." That tendency to keep to myself makes me appear anti-social. That anti-social appearance causes me to not be an approachable person. That un-approachableness (is that even a word?) that makes me people stay away causes me to feel lonely. That loneliness makes me invisible.
I am invisible.
It's heartbreaking, really. Have you ever felt that alone?
I have. I've felt that way for years.
I've especially felt it this past month, particularly because my bestest, closest friend who knows me best suddenly isn't here and I have no one to pour my deepest, darkest thoughts, emotions, feelings, short-comings, etc. out on the table to. This has been one of the loneliest walks of my entire life. Thankfully, I'm surrounded by immediate family and a very few close friends who are here for support, but it's just not the same as having my husband here with me.
It sucks to sit in a room full of people and have no one talk to you or even so much as look at you... especially when some of them are people that told your husband they'd keep an eye on you and your family and try to help keep you busy while he was away. It's been a month. Not one of them has tried. It sucks to sit there and no one can see- or maybe, they just don't care?- how much pain you are feeling at the moment... how lonely you're feeling. A lot of people told him before he left, "Make sure your wife gives me your address." Not one of those people has asked me for it... Not one of those people has asked how he's doing. Not one of those people has asked me how I'm holding up or how Max is doing with his daddy gone.
To be honest, I miss the crap out of him. You have no idea.
I know a lot of people would tell me, "Oh, you just need to put yourself out there." "You need to take the first step." "You shouldn't take things so personally." "Don't worry about them, worry about you." "You need to work on your social skills." On and on. I've heard it all. And tried it all. And it doesn't really help to have all the blame put on me when I have put forth efforts to be friendly. People just don't like me for some reason. I mean, I made eye contact with two people that told Fred they'd be "there for me," headed over to try to make conversation, and they literally ducked away real quick. Who does that? Am I really that unlikeable? What do you do when you've constantly tried to make a connection with someone and they just continually blow you off? What do you do when you've been rejected and hurt so many times that the social compartment in your brain just kind of shuts off?
I think the only reason people do talk to me- on the rare occasion they do- is because Fred is with me. He's visible. All the time. He doesn't sense awkwardness like I do. He pushes for friendships and doesn't notice when the other person doesn't push back. He throws his heart out there as much as he possibly can. People like him and if they don't, he doesn't notice. Now, that he's gone. I'm back to being invisible.
I've had a lot on my plate since Fred left. Everything keeps piling up in my head and my heart and I try to hold it together for as long as I can, but I have a burst of tears about once a week... usually when I'm safe and sound tucked away in my bed, snuggling with my sleeping baby boy. This week it happened at church.
I've had an insane two weeks. Max had a really bad stomach bug- he barely ate or drank anything all week. He couldn't keep anything in his belly, so I got covered in throw up quite a few times. Oh, and I got used as a toilet... his poop was so watery, it didn't stay in his diaper. Every diaper change resulted in an outfit change. I think he show cased his whole collection of pajamas. Then, when he was finally better, he worked on cutting his molar... which resulted in a likely ear infection. All of this has resulted in a very tired, sleep deprived momma.
And if it's not Max keeping me up, it's my daughter using my bladder as a trampoline, giving roundhouse kicks to my cervix, or just practicing ballerina leaps through my uterus and belly to the waiting, outside world. I'm not sure which.
And if it's not one of them, it's my own wandering thoughts tormenting me all night: I'm 9 weeks away from giving birth, likely without my husband being there. I haven't talked to him in over three weeks. My son is literally into EVERYthing and screams at the top of his lungs when he doesn't get his way. I have no idea what's going on with Fred's paychecks or insurance. It's just sooo many things running through my head.
I was so exhausted this morning that literally everything was getting on my nerves: every sound, every action, every thought, almost every person, etc. The emotions were just building and building and my head was about to blow off. Add to it feeling invisible and there I was, sitting in church, feeling bitter as I watched happy, sappy couples walking to their seats, holding hands and having conversations with each other; watching daddy's chase their giggling little ones around; watching old friends greet and hug each other and work on catching up; watching newcomers being welcomed with open arms and warm smiles and so on. I dropped Max off in the nursery and walked with my sister to find a seat in the back (Yes, I sit in the back. I sit as close to the exit as possible. It's the closest to the bathroom. ;-) ), feeling let down and so very alone.
Worship starts:
"Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains."
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains."
*Cue the tears.* What an awesome reminder in my time of need. He remains. Everything else, everyone else, can and will fail. But He remains. I'm not invisible to Him. He cares and He knows what I'm going through. He knows what I'm feeling and thinking and experiencing. He's there and He's listening.
"Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me. "
Never runs out on me. "
Just a quick shout out to the people who actually do care about my family and I- Thank you. I don't say it nearly enough. Thank you for caring about us, for checking in on us to see if we're holding up. Thank you for being there. It is much appreciated and we love you all. <3
Monday, February 4, 2013
Sweaty Hands
My hands have never been as sweaty as they were on the car ride to deliver Fred to the Army, today. Granted, my hands normally get sweaty when I'm nevous/anxious/scared about something, but not like this. It was flat out embarassing. Most of the ride there, he was using my phone to make videos for Max and I- in his usual dorky way. I couldn't help but laugh at him, with him... whatever, but there in the back of my mind I had to keep reminding myself why we were in the car and the sweat just kept coming. By the time we pulled into a parking space, Fred's hand and the steering wheel were soaked in my nasty hand perspiration. I was totally grossed by it, but Fred in his undying, unswerving love simply grabbed my hands in his own sweaty hands, kissed them, looked me in the eye, and gave me sweet kisses over and over with tears and snot running down my face. True love right there, people. And then he whispered that he loves me, got out of the car, and walked in to the Armed Forces Career Center without looking back.
When I finally gained enough composure to drive, I put on the Ingrid Michaelson radio station on Pandora and drove away. Big mistake on the music. Every song would start, I'd sob, finally get myself together by the end of the song. A new song would start and boom! there were those tears again and just picture that scene repeating all the way home. Ugh, I'm a mess. And I haven't even had to say good-bye to him, yet. We get to have dinner with him, tonight. It doesn't help much, though, knowing that I'll be coming home without him, afterwards.
Today, three years ago, Fred was asking me to be his wife. Seriously. Today is the day that Fred proposed. And now, well, we're at the thresh hold of one of the hardest experiences of our marriage.
This is going to be a long 10 weeks until I see him again. And then a long 9 weeks after that. And who knows what's in store after that?!
I think my hands are going to be sweaty the whole time.
When I finally gained enough composure to drive, I put on the Ingrid Michaelson radio station on Pandora and drove away. Big mistake on the music. Every song would start, I'd sob, finally get myself together by the end of the song. A new song would start and boom! there were those tears again and just picture that scene repeating all the way home. Ugh, I'm a mess. And I haven't even had to say good-bye to him, yet. We get to have dinner with him, tonight. It doesn't help much, though, knowing that I'll be coming home without him, afterwards.
Today, three years ago, Fred was asking me to be his wife. Seriously. Today is the day that Fred proposed. And now, well, we're at the thresh hold of one of the hardest experiences of our marriage.
This is going to be a long 10 weeks until I see him again. And then a long 9 weeks after that. And who knows what's in store after that?!
I think my hands are going to be sweaty the whole time.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
This is how we party.
Max and I had a party in the middle of the night. Daddy joined us for a little bit, but sleep won him over. Max and I had such a blast. It was kinda feverish. Oh, wait... That's right. It was a fever. Period. Sounds fun, huh? You wish you were invited.
Nah, you were actually pretty lucky. Max was miserable. He was burning up and by the time his medicine kicked in, he fell asleep on me sitting up and I didn't dare move a muscle. So, the party continued, but with a sweaty boy laying on top of me who kept tossing and turning, a baby in my belly kicking up at her brother because he was smooshing her or something, and a husband drooling on a pillow and sleeping blissfully beside me. At least with being kept awake in the middle of the night, I got to feel baby girl jumping around on my bladder like it's a trampoline, but hey... I still got to feel her. She's still there and just as energetic as her brother in the middle of the night, apparently. ;-)
These are the nights, eh?
Finally, 9 am rolled around and I called into the pediatrician's office, who said they had a 9:30 opening, otherwise we'd have to wait until 8 pm. So, we got ready and high-tailed it to the doctors for baby boy. Poor little guy has a double ear infection and is cutting another tooth. I'm sorry that I gave you my bum ears, Maxter.
Nah, you were actually pretty lucky. Max was miserable. He was burning up and by the time his medicine kicked in, he fell asleep on me sitting up and I didn't dare move a muscle. So, the party continued, but with a sweaty boy laying on top of me who kept tossing and turning, a baby in my belly kicking up at her brother because he was smooshing her or something, and a husband drooling on a pillow and sleeping blissfully beside me. At least with being kept awake in the middle of the night, I got to feel baby girl jumping around on my bladder like it's a trampoline, but hey... I still got to feel her. She's still there and just as energetic as her brother in the middle of the night, apparently. ;-)
These are the nights, eh?
Finally, 9 am rolled around and I called into the pediatrician's office, who said they had a 9:30 opening, otherwise we'd have to wait until 8 pm. So, we got ready and high-tailed it to the doctors for baby boy. Poor little guy has a double ear infection and is cutting another tooth. I'm sorry that I gave you my bum ears, Maxter.
Normally, he doesn't want anything to do with snuggling with mommy unless he's nursing. I guess he's revised his thinking, today. He can't seem to get enough. That's a pro.
Happy Wednesday, ya'll. <3
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Can the days slow down and let my brain catch up? It would be very nice.
The date that Fred leaves for basic training is approaching too quickly. It's less than a month away. And I won't get to see him for about 10 weeks, and then it's only for one or two days before he's whisked away in more training for who knows how long. It sucks. A lot.
It sucks watching the days pass and knowing that everything we've known as normalcy for the duration of our marriage soon won't be... well, the norm.
It sucks laying awake at night with Max snuggled up in my arms on one side and Fred snoring on the other and knowing that as much as his snoring drives me bonkers, it won't be the thing that's keeping me awake at night.
...I'd so much rather his snoring keep me awake than the uncertainty and anxiety of being apart.
There's so much that I can think of that sucks, but the part that sucks the most is knowing that after this month, I might have to go through the rest of this pregnancy without my husband. It's hard to even think about. I'm sitting here trying to hide tears each time someone walks into the room while I'm typing this. Fred was my rock while I was in delivery with Max. I kept pushing because I wanted to finally be able to really share our baby with him- if that makes sense? I wanted to see them meet, to watch him finally able to bond with our son, all that jazz. With this pregnancy, I don't even know if he'll be allowed to come home when baby girl decides to come. How am I supposed to do this without him? Gah, I'm bawling now and I need a tissue. A little ray of sunshine, though: he finally felt our little girl kicking and moving yesterday morning. I was so worried she wasn't going to give him that chance.
I'm trying so hard to keep my emotions together. I'm trying not to cry every single time the thought of his leaving crosses my mind. I'm trying to not think about how quickly it's coming and the harsh, cold reality that pretty soon, he won't be here for a while. That just keeps getting harder and harder with each day that passes.
It sucks watching the days pass and knowing that everything we've known as normalcy for the duration of our marriage soon won't be... well, the norm.
It sucks laying awake at night with Max snuggled up in my arms on one side and Fred snoring on the other and knowing that as much as his snoring drives me bonkers, it won't be the thing that's keeping me awake at night.
...I'd so much rather his snoring keep me awake than the uncertainty and anxiety of being apart.
There's so much that I can think of that sucks, but the part that sucks the most is knowing that after this month, I might have to go through the rest of this pregnancy without my husband. It's hard to even think about. I'm sitting here trying to hide tears each time someone walks into the room while I'm typing this. Fred was my rock while I was in delivery with Max. I kept pushing because I wanted to finally be able to really share our baby with him- if that makes sense? I wanted to see them meet, to watch him finally able to bond with our son, all that jazz. With this pregnancy, I don't even know if he'll be allowed to come home when baby girl decides to come. How am I supposed to do this without him? Gah, I'm bawling now and I need a tissue. A little ray of sunshine, though: he finally felt our little girl kicking and moving yesterday morning. I was so worried she wasn't going to give him that chance.
I'm trying so hard to keep my emotions together. I'm trying not to cry every single time the thought of his leaving crosses my mind. I'm trying to not think about how quickly it's coming and the harsh, cold reality that pretty soon, he won't be here for a while. That just keeps getting harder and harder with each day that passes.
<3
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